I am not Atlas, I cannot bear the weight of the world on my own. I cannot even bear my own world anymore. Sometimes it is too much, too many worries for me to carry on my own. Today I had an epiphany. I want someone who looks after me, who takes care of me. And I mean literally takes care of me. Who puts his arms around me, wipes away my tears and takes away all my worries and sadness. “Here is a bag of money,” he’d say “you don’t have to worry about paying your bills anymore. Here is a decent job for thirty-two hours a week. Go ahead, take it, you’ll enjoy it. I’ll arrange everything for you. I’ll make all the difficult phone calls that may be necessary. I’ll hire someone to do the household. Just stay here in my arms and relax. Close your eyes and let me deal with the world. I’ll take care of you.”
I know this is a fantasy and one that will probably never come true. And I will go to work tomorrow and try to deal with the mess that is called my life. But wouldn’t it be easier if this fantasy came true somehow.
What better way than to convey my feelings quoting a poem by Lord Byron:
They say that Hope is happiness; But genuine Love must prize the past, And Memory wakes the thoughts that bless: They rose the first--they set the last;
And all that Memory loves the most Was once our only Hope to be, And all that Hope adored and lost Hath melted into Memory.
Alas it is delusion all: The future cheats us from afar, Nor can we be what we recall, Nor dare we think on what we are.
What will happen in my own future? Do I have any hopes left? Do I dare to hope for anything? I am sure I cannot be who I was, but who am I today? Who will I be tomorrow? Or a year from now? I guess only Time can tell, together with Hope, Memory and Love.
No long stories today, just a picture and a video. This is the picture I'd like to show: It's a picture of my new house. What is so special about it? Today I put the wallpaper on all the walls of the living room and I am so proud of myself. I had never done it before, I didn't even know if I could do it, but I just went for it and I did it. People around me didn't really think I'd be able to pull it off, but I did it anyway. And now I'm really proud of myself. It feels like I conquered something, like I'll be able to deal with everything that comes my way concerning my new house and living alone. And this video shows exactly how I feel right now. All I have to do is listen to my voice within and I can do everything :)
Okay, so today was a very exciting day for me. Well, not really exciting, but it was very important. Because: I got the keys of my new house! I'm going to move to a small two-room apartment and I'm going to live on my own again. I was pretty nervous about this appointment today, because I was afraid they would not think I earned enough money to be able to pay the rent. But they didn't say anything about that. They only nagged about some other administrative issues, but I signed the contract and I now have the keys. Now I'll have to clean the apartment and get some wallpaper and paint on the walls in order to be able to move in. I also need to order flooring and I need to buy a washing machine, a cooker and a refrigerator. But I'm gonna do everything one step at a time, which is work tomorrow and then I'm gonna order the flooring as soon as I can. The next few weeks are going to be pretty stressful for me with lots of work.
Okay, so it has been two months approximately since my last update and lots of things have happened since then. Martijn and I are still separated of course and I have found a house in the mean time. That is to say, I am the first candidate for a house, but the current tenant still needs to hand in his keys. I cannot look at the house until he does, so I have to wait for that to happen. But I suppose it will happen one of these days. What has happened is that I have changed. I thought I was going to be a blubbering weeping perpetually crying wreck for the time after the break-up, and that has not happened. I have cried about it, especially in the first few weeks, but now I’m very calm. I’m very much at ease with the idea that I’m going to move out and live on my own again. I’m looking forward to decorating my house in the way that I want it to be decorated; I’m looking forward to evenings without the television on and just being able to do what I want. The idea of living on my own doesn’t scare me as much as I thought it would before the break-up. I have lived on my own, so I know I can do it, but now I’m also actually looking forward to it. I’m not looking forward to cooking every day and doing all the laundry myself, but I know I’ll be able to manage. I have lived a very sheltered, regular, consistent life the past four years and I’m now on the verge of giving that up for a life in a way that I choose to live it. I will be able to spend my time doing things that I want to do. I’ll be able to make choices that might even make me happy, who knows…
No pun intended, or maybe I did. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that last Monday Martijn and I decided to end our relationship. We have both changed a lot over the last couple of years and we have grown apart, too far apart to grow back together again. This means I will move out once I find a place of my own and Martijn will stay in this house. It might take a while for me to find my own apartment and until that time we will both live here in this house. We're not fighting or anything, so for the time being this is the best solution. So that is my breaking news.
This weblog belongs to me, a Dutch girl who's 26 years old and is a student of English. I will share with you the daily events of my life and how I feel about them.
